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Blonde Jokes

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
 
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
 
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"
 
"But I always buy it here," says the blonde
 
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
 
"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
 
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"
 
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container.........
 
" TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
 

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
 
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
 
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
 
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
 
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
 
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." he sighed, let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box".
 

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
 
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.
 
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.
 
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
 
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
 
"Here it is," she said.
 
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
 

 
A Blonde's Year in Review:
 
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
 
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels ...Helllooo!!! ... bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
 
March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 5 months.....box said "6-8" years!"
 
April - Trapped on the Macy's escalator for hours after the power went out!!
 
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
 
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
 
July -Lost breast stroke swimming competition ..... learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
 
August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm....car swamped because soft- top was open.
 
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
 
October - Hate M&M's.....they are so hard to peel.
 
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
 
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
 
What a year!!
 
 
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kinds.
 
Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.
 
Helllooooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
 
Helllooooo? (I told him) "It's been a year!"
 
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a blonde again.

 
An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
 
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned Beef and Cabbage! If I get Corned Beef and Cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
 
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, Burritos again! If I get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
 
The blonde opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a Bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
 
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw Corned Beef and Cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a Burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the Bologna, and jumped to his death as well.
 
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of Corned Beef and Cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him Tacos or Enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much."
 
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He made his own lunch."
 

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience..
 
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
 
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
 
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents !!!!
 

 
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch some sleep.
 
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
 
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
 
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
 
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
 
"Okay" says the lawyer, your turn.
 
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
 
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you !" and turns back to get some more sleep.
 
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks: "Well, what's the answer?"
 
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
 
 
This Blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
 
The next day, right after her Husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a leather jacket at the same time.
 
He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes.
 
He asks what she is doing.
 
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
 
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.
 
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said:
 
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"
 
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